Volume One, Chapter 21: One Year Born-Again, page 370
The ongoing mixture of calm and chaos brought about more acceptances with the struggles in my new life. Without the mess of stress from what I brought into my life with artsy endeavors, I was okay with life’s ups and downs. But I wanted more goodness and less sin. I bought another Bible on July first; the New King James Version was my fourth Bible. I liked my new version; the words flowed, and the structure had a poetic rhythm.
In hopes of better understanding how to live and what it teaches, I went back to the church I started at. I was still leery about the tongues thing, but I didn’t know where else to go. Not knowing anyone at church didn’t matter; I just wanted to be with church people and the goodness of learning.
I was clean and sober for one week. I lived in sobriety and wrote about it in the diary with so much hope and thanks to God. It was a big deal for me to see my life change. Owned by Christ I hoped to be an obedient slave.
My mental strength or willpower coincided with the time I spent holding and reading the Bible. Being on my knees in prayer was mainly a matter of learning to yield or bow to my Lord in my heart. But getting to the thought of prayer was often preceded by the thought of and confrontation with sin.
I could not stop myself from all the aspects of sin with marijuana. Earning the money for it, then going to buy it, and lastly immediately smoking it was my joy and misery. As soon as I would go my way in pleasure, the guilt would roll in, roll over me, and convict me in a crushing way. I then would willingly throw out the pot in the backyard.
There was nothing else that was like that freedom. After eighteen years of loving and cherishing the drug, tossing it was an undeniable gift of grace I received. I was able to empty out the bag of pot, spilling it over the backyard onto the leaves and dirt and then kicking it around.
That was a very special lesson in freedom and liberation from bondage. Abandoning the drug was what I had only hoped for in the past to get that monkey off my back. The Devil did not want to lose his power over me; he hung on silently long and hard. I knew that God was greater and He would never give up loving and teaching me.
When I had stopped smoking pot during acting to memorize my lines, I struggled to set it aside and saw my willpower work. But that was a temporary victory with a deadline. I was further than temporary now in my Christian walk, so I hungered to change and cut the sin out permanently.
But as much as I did not want to go buy pot and remembering how I threw it out, I could not stop myself from getting more. Still, the change stayed. After going through the cycle of buying, smoking, being convicted, and tossing it away a few more victorious times, I felt good.
When I told Emile and Gerry next door, I was as astonished as they were hearing me tell of my joy in throwing it out. But throwing it away still didn’t stop me from wanting it or destroy the sin.
A strange and powerful internal occurrence happened during the first year of battle with sin and Satan’s minions. One of the most powerful experiences I ever learned from was when I was in the middle of the fight between weakness and strength, struggling not to smoke pot.
Pacing in the yard, I resisted making the phone call ordering more pot as my restlessness grew. I was being emotionally tossed around in the garage like a piece of furniture in a barroom brawl. The Devil seemed determined to have his way with me at the same time that the Holy Spirit was not letting go in their fight.
Without my own strength but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, I closed the garage door, knelt on the rug, and cried out to God for help. I can still see myself crying to God for His help, and help happened.
After witnessing the two silent, invisible combatants fight within, I then lived through the moments of cleansing supernatural empowerment.
The power of answered prayer came; it was liberating, and somehow I yielded my will to sin. God answered my call. I was able to stay still and not leave to make a buy. It was a victorious battle for the Holy Spirit. Then more joy came to me from realizing the power of the Holy Spirit.
A Worshiping Life
Praying we seek Jesus, only He, alone can save Grasping God’s nearness, the lowly, will be His slave
Loving Him we love to say Jesus Jesus Trusting and obeying, it’s the cross, we proclaim
Our God is the highest, saving souls, in A Worshiping life We draw near He draws nearer, loving people, in A Worshiping life
By grace God sends His Spirit, by grace He unlocks His word By grace we grow to love Him, we do nothing without God’s grace
Knowing the word of God, our voice fills, singing God praise Seeing life as a gift, in Jesus, we walk His ways
By grace God sends His Spirit, by grace He unlocks His word By grace we grow to love Him, we do nothing without God’s grace
Our God is the highest, saving souls, in A Worshiping life We draw near He draws nearer, loving people, in A Worshiping life
James 5:8 You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.
Oh Lord Jesus, raise up voices to condemn sin and may many souls truly repent calling on Your name to be saved.
